* I Need to Express!

I almost think I don't exist if I’m not expressing. I have to express myself, my feelings, thoughts, and all too often my opinions. Talking, conversation, letters, e-mails, journaling, reflections, prayer. I often wonder if I annoy God—seriously. Does He care to hear my petty little thoughts when there are mightier prayers being prayed? Do I waste His time? Is chit-chatting to God disrespectful? If I bother Him too much doing what I call “thinking to God,” will He shut me out when I have real things to pray about? I fully know God is bigger than all that, but I still wonder if I’m an annoyance, and how He can pay attention to my silly pettiness while listening to bigger prayers of others. But then I realize David expressed every sort of emotion he had to the Lord.

"Maybe one day I’ll grow wings and graduate to silence” (Susan Wooldridge in PoemCrazy). My dad and sister can keep silent, not express anything, and they’re okay. If I keep too much in too long without expression of some form, I feel like I’m going to explode! Or cry. But there is truly something we discover about ourselves through expression, “A mirror shows me my face, a poem shows me my soul." Are those of us who need expression not as strong as those like my dad or my sister? Do we not know ourselves as well, or how to deal with our thoughts and emotions? But I think I like to have to catch myself through expression—I want more than to stay in a predictable box of "myself." As Wooldridge says, “For now, not only do I discover myself when I write...I learn that I’m larger than I thought." And that’s a good thing.